


All We See Is Sky

by starzinoureyes



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not A Fix-It, except in a way it is?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 03:34:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20885447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starzinoureyes/pseuds/starzinoureyes
Summary: An alternate ending to the heaven scene





	All We See Is Sky

**Author's Note:**

> If you've seen the show, the warnings should come as no surprise to you, but take care of yourselves loves! 
> 
> title from For Forever (Dear Evan Hansen), because I'm very unoriginal

Everything around him is white. 

Everything is white and cloudy and peaceful and Payton has no idea where he is, but then River is there and for some reason that makes sense. Wherever River is, Payton always find peace.

River walks to him slowly, gracefully, and he’s smiling and Payton can’t feel anything, but if he could, he thinks he would feel happy. Happier than he has ever been. Even in this dreamy state, Payton’s subconsciousness knows what it needs and folds into River’s outstretched arms, their forms fitting together perfectly, just like they had on earth. River is warm and Payton can’t imagine that he should be anywhere else.

“Am I dead?” he asks into River’s shoulder, because that’s the only possible explanation. He sees River everywhere, feels him, but never like this. He’s so  _ solid _ , like they’re finally back on the same plane. And if River’s dead…

“Is this heaven? No...wait...it’s not…” the thought crosses his mind, and he hates himself when he points downward to complete his question. Because after everything, Payton really doesn’t know if he deserves a place in heaven. River certainly does, but then again he thinks back to what he used to overhear growing up, about what happens to people who take their own lives, and he’s really not sure of anything anymore because nothing’s really fair, is it? 

But River shakes his head with a fond smile and Payton deflates a little bit in relief. Dimples. God, he misses those dimples. He’s close enough to kiss them, if he wants, and he just might have to. “Well actually, I don’t...I don’t know why you’d be here if it was. Maybe this is just a dream, or actually, you know what it is?” he starts to ramble. “It’s the synapses in my brain, they’re misfiring or shutting down, because they say that happens when you have a near-death experience.”

“All you every do it think, think, think,” River finally speaks, and Payton allows the beautiful sound to wash over him, tries to soak it up because he’s been completely lost without that voice. River’s so serene, and he’s looking at Payton like he’s...like he’s  _ worth  _ something. Like River has missed him just as much as he’s missed River. It seems impossible, but there’s no mistaking that the adoration on his own face reflected back at him on River’s. “Even now.” 

“Well, I think about you a lot,” Payton admits. “I think about...why you did it.” They’re both quiet, looking openly at each other, but never for more than a moment at a time before one of them drops their gaze. Payton knows he shouldn’t ask, knows that if these are the only moments he gets with River, this isn’t how he wants to spend them. But he just can’t help himself, because this is  _ exactly _ what’s been on his mind ever since he’d had to witness one of his best friends, and possibly the love of his life, blow his own brains out just a few months ago.  _ Why, why, why? Why did you leave me? _ “Why didn’t you get help?”  _ Why did you leave me? _

“Oh, I got plenty of help,” River assures him. “Therapists and medications and EMDR and hypnosis and transcendental meditation.” His smile is a little sad, a little self-deprecating. “Nothing made me feel better.”

“ _ Why _ , though?” Payton presses. “What was so bad about your life? I mean…” he takes a deep breath, he shouldn’t be saying this, but nothing makes sense, nothing  _ has _ made sense in months and maybe this is the key to figuring out his own brain? He doesn’t even know. He never knows. “You look like Superman, and you speak Chinese, and you had money, and hugging you is like hugging a steel shipping crate. I mean, everyone adored you. You crossed home plate just by walking in the door and smiling. I don’t…” Payton shakes his head and blinks hard. “It makes no sense.”

It makes no sense. It makes no sense. It makes…

Because they had been the same. River and Payton. They’re the same. That was their  _ thing _ , why they went together so well. That was why…

That’s been what has plagued him for months, Payton realizes on some level. All those things he had said about River...he knows that on some level people see him that same way. And he knows as well as just about anyone how little all that means. Because his head isn’t quite right, either. And he doesn’t know  _ why _ . Him and River...what’s  _ wrong _ with them?

“I feel...everything,” River replies deliberately. An emotion is there, and Payton can’t quite identify it. He thinks maybe that’s what ‘everything’ sounds like. “There just wasn’t enough positive emotion to balance me out.”

“So it wasn’t because of me?”

“No,” River whispers. “You were my only relief.”

“Then how come you were always trying to make me feel more?” Payton challenges. “If me doing that would’ve hurt you?”

“Because that’s what you needed,” River smiles, not sad this time. Honest. Earnest. “I mean, isn’t that what you do? Help people even if it puts you at risk of being hurt?”

“No,” Payton shakes his head, because that can’t be true. It can’t be true. They’re the same, but River is  _ better _ . River is the good version of himself. River lets himself be hurt in order to help other people. Payton protects himself above all else, no matter who else he ends up hurting in the process. Payton is selfish; River is the exact opposite of selfish. “I help people because it serves me. Feeds my ego…” he starts pacing, jittery, tense, anxious...all the things he is without River there to ground him. Because River might be  _ here _ but River isn’t there, and Payton is just Payton and frankly the world deserves better. “...my quest for power and...and validation.”

“You’re a politician,” River states. Not an accusation, he says it like a pet name. There’s a fondness there that Payton doesn’t think should be directed at someone like him. He hasn’t earned it.

“Well, I’m scared that that’s all I am.” Payton’s voice shakes, and  _ finally _ there’s that knot in his chest, that knot of  _ feeling  _ that he had thought he’d lost. He turns back towards River to see the other boy still smiling at him. A knowing smile. LIke he knows something Payton doesn’t. He probably does. River knows him on a level no one else does, himself included. “I only do this with you,” Payton admits. “I mean, you’re like this magnet, just...pulling all my feelings out of me.” A breath. “So how am I supposed to survive without you?”

The point.

Payton isn’t whole like this. Payton isn’t whole without River, because he can’t  _ feel _ without River. He’s a shell of a person, a cardboard cutout of an overachieving high school student with ambition but no real dreams. It’s not...that’s not  _ living _ , Payton has come to realize. He exists, but he isn’t sure he knows how to live.

River looks sad again, understanding. Of course, he always understands. And feels.  _ God _ , why does Payton keep putting him through this?

“You need to go back and bring balance back to the world. That’s the purpose of the power you’re craving.”

“No,” Payton protests. “I wanna stay here with you.”

“You can’t,” River whispers, but that’s not  _ okay _ . 

“I  _ want _ to,” Payton repeats. “Don’t you want that?”

“That isn’t what matters right now, Payton,” River replies, but that isn’t an  _ answer _ because it  _ does _ matter. It should matter most of all. 

“Why not? Why shouldn’t that matter? Why can’t I…” Payton pauses, and quiets down when he realizes how close to River he’s gotten. Close enough to count his eyelashes. Maybe he would, if he had some more time. “Why can’t I just let go?” he finishes with a whisper.

“That’s not how it works.”

“It  _ is _ how it works.”

“Payton…”

“Why can’t I just let go? Why can’t...if you’re right, if we really do hurt ourselves to help other people...why can’t we just do something for ourselves for once? Why can’t we have this?” Payton presses. “Why can’t I stay with you?”

River doesn’t answer, at least not right away. His blue eyes search Payton’s like he’s trying to understand the workings of Payton’s mind. If he figures anything out, Payton would love a clue.

“I wanna stay with you,” he repeats, just to remind River what’s at stake. What they could have.

“You want…” River’s voice is shaky, the first sign of uncertainty since Payton had found him up here in this cloud-world.

“You’ve done it before,” Payton reminds him, and his voice is shaky too. There are tears there, just below the surface. Like always. Tears that almost never come, except that when he’s with River it’s like they can’t stay away. He’s practically begging when he says “Just tell me.  _ Please _ . Tell me how to stay with you.”

River reaches out, brushes a hand down his cheek. Collects a tear. Another one just takes its place.

“There’s no going back from this,” River warns him, wiping another tear from Payton’s cheek.

“I know,” Payton whispers, broken. “I know. Please.”

River sighs, eyes swimming with almost-tears of his own, but his expression remains controlled and for a moment Payton worries that River is going to send him back, is going to snap his fingers like some twisted fairy godmother and Payton will be back in the real world, in his own life, alone and empty again. But instead, he threads his fingers through the back of Payton’s hair to seal their mouths together and Payton might be dying but he has never felt so alive. It’s exhilarating, touching River. It’s something he had almost forbidden himself to have until he lost it, but now it feels even better than Payton remembers.

This is where he’s meant to be. Wherever River is, that’s where Payton is meant to be.

Somewhere off in the distance, a heart monitor beeps, slowly, slowly, before the sound finally stretches to infinity.

And falls silent.

**Author's Note:**

> I mean...that's one way for them to end up together, right? No idea where this came from, except that angst is my specialty and I haven't been able to get this concept out of my head since I watched so here we are
> 
> Characters aren't mine, and the dialogue for the first 75% comes from the show! i just filled in the gaps of these already incredible boys!
> 
> Please let me know what you think! Feedback makes my day and makes me more motivated to write!


End file.
